but whatever. not like anyone ever LJ's anymore, so wtf.
i am sooo, sooo proud of myself.
like, i never thought i would do it. and i'm not sure why it took me so long to actually do it now that i have.
it's been almost 6 months and i've been with someone. it's not perfect, but i'm happy. and so is he.
then i met my upstairs neighbor.
he's a rocker, he's introverted, great with synths, into post-punk.
andddd totally into me.
so i was like, whatever, flirting a little bit..
but on the way back from a party in greenpoint, heading back to queens the other night.. he tried to kiss me.
and i was like... whoaaaa.
put the brakes on that one.
which led me to realize: i am older than i thought.
not just in terms of age, but in terms of maturity.
he was like 'well this is embarrassing, why'd you do that, you led me on, blah blah blah..'
and i was like 'ummmmm why'd you go and put yourself out there like that when we've been hanging out for barely 2 weeks and you know i've been trying to get us to collaborate on music'
except, im still a girl so it was a lot more like 'oh, um, ok, sorry you feel that way. not available.'
simultaneously annoyed, proud, and whatever about it.
but.... mostly proud.
audra's all grown up.
sleeping is giving in no matter what the time is sleeping is giving in so lift those heavy eyelids people say that you'll die faster than without water but we know it's just a lie scare your sons scare your daughters people say that your dreams the only thing that save ya come on baby in our dreams we can live our misbehaviour everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes everytime you close your eyes everytime you close your eyes everytime you close your eyes people try and hide the night underneath the covers people try and hide the light underneath the covers come on hide ya lovers underneath the covers come on hide ya lovers underneath the covers hide it from your brothers underneah your covers come on hide ya lovers underneath the covers people say that you'll die ^^ faster than without water but we know its just a lie ^^ scare your sons scare your daughters scare your sons scare your daughters scare your sons scare your daughters now here's the sun its allright (lies lies) no wheres the moon its allright (lies lies) now heres the sun its allright (lies lies) here's the moon it's allright (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes (lies lies) everytime you close your eyes... everytime you close your eyes... everytime you close our eyes.... lies lies..
it's official...we have bed bugs.
this one week after losing my purse.
and all my new job money going towards ...replacing my phone, (which had no insurance, after all the efforts to the contrary...)
oh, and the exterminators our landlord won't pay for.
i really don't know what to say.
id rather be on a solid financial foundation, with a full time job, volunteering to make art with families on the weekend.
oh, and living in brooklyn.
with a landlord that actually handles shit.
sometimes i hate my life.
but the one thing that keeps me going, is that
i have an amazing family, and friends, and one day things will be better.
they have to be.
also, when i was grocery shopping last night, i overheard a mom tell her daughter something really awesome and i can't help
but share it cuz it was fab.:
mom (responding to something her 7 year old daughter said about love): "well, love is the most important thing, and even if you love someone for only a short amount of time, you always stand by them and stick up for them, because you've loved them."
i thought that was perfect.
sometimes --always-- love is more complicated than that, but i thought it was a very mature and uplifting thing to say.
...stems from 3 things that i am conscious of.
two kids shows: 1) hey arnold (the bronx...??) and 2) teenage mutant ninja turtles
(the third thing is the movie 3) On the Town.)
but im gonna go with my most visceral reaction being my love of teenage mutant ninja turtles ( totally had the bedsheets.)
and docks at night
theres kind of a danger associated
with being in dark alleys at night
that is very, very sexy.
so, with that in mind im thinking about
taking a clue from the movie drive
and spontaneously getting a car some nights
(because it only works at night)
and driving up, down, in, out, and around nyc
and just admiring the view...
'everything looks so perfect from far away... '
come down now.
i wanna drive, alone, and think
because everyone does their best thinking
when they drive.
i saw a small, amazing chest of drawers with thousands of cool as hell indie rock/artistic/emo stickers all over it (japandroids, we are scientists, etc...) and it was just there. outside. waiting for me to walk by. with a sign saying 'take me home.'
so I did.
and it has profoundly changed my outlook on life.
imagine walking back into your dorm room you had freshman year after graduating college. I feel like that.
I feel like I'm so boring now. I feel like I don't put energy into small things, like making my place funkier, and creating a more DIY lifestyle.
i wish i was vegetarian, and hopeful about the future, and excited about new bands, and hanging out and just having conversations with people.
I miss that lifestyle. I miss being laid back and just being much cooler and less uptight that i am now.
I don't know, in a way, I hate to say it, but I kind of feel trapped and restricted in the life I've chosen for myself. Why though? I didn't until I picked up this furniture...
on the side it says 'i am flawed if im not free.;
and it made we wonder: how restricted will I allow myself to get?
aw boy do i love LJ! its given me a chance to go back and read over my life for the past oh 3 years or so. im a cool chick!
well, its weird being on the 'other side' (i say that like ive crossed over haha..) having already taken a pre-determined life course.
i am glad that very few of my entries were focused on my appearance, that means im not ridiculously shallow, even as a teen-young adult haha.
nah, seriously, what were we doing on our LJs in our teens? being super emo, apparently.
it also gave me a chance to see what happened when and how i felt about the events in my life, which was cool.
well, being in japan has given me a new lease on life, because its forced me to come to terms with whats really important to me, being an integral part of a community, and building a home with someone. and im lucky enough to have finally found that someone. now all thats waiting is to go back to him.
ive never felt so comfortable with someone. it feels weird to know that you've finally met the person you're going to be with the rest of your life. its a good feeling!
well, thats enough for LJ today. i cant wait to come back and read about the past in another few days/months/years!
<3 you LJ!
I've decided that Siren has dropped the ball on this year's concert...who I would ask to play if I was in charge of Siren Music Festival:
Peter Bjorn & John
TV on the Radio
School of Seven Bells
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Gang Gang Dance
Explosions in the Sky
Bat for Lashes
and so i'm here at the end of my senior year at spc.
a lot of things are different, some for the better, some for the worse, yet some things haven't changed at all.
i've come full circle in music, love interest, life views (i'm probably a little less of a hippie, but still as openminded and willing to try new things and, on good days, as willing to talk to a complete stranger.) or maybe im the same amount of hippie... idk.
in the words of my all-knowing hindu deity friend, 'Meh.'
'this is what you get, larry.
this is what you get when you fuck a stranger in the ass.'
i totally tried to stay up and watch that movie last night, and just crashed. i've been such a sea of overwhelmedness lately. (is that how you would say that word? idk. i'm pooped.) between dealing with this whole wtf is in my lungs thing, to figuring out my personal life (which, sad to say, i think will never be figured out because human beings are too complex to make any actual sense) to trying to understand the odds of my teaching abroad next year, I keep feeling like as soon as i plug up one hole, a dam erupts somewhere else in my house.
The Pennys, my erstwhile school-chums-and-I's band, is headed right on a rocket of destruction through Muse's Knights of Cydonia.
I am frightened, and in awe, and still kind of amazed that we are *actually* playing Muse.
Too bad it's going to eat us alive, because we are not worthy.
Our timing is...unimpeccable.
It's like watching someone who just learned English try to recite Hamlet.
Maybe not that bad....
Then, working 30+ hours a week to be able to afford the security deposit and 1/2 mo's rent for my sort-of landlord next week, while still in school (yeah, i've been skipping classes like crazy. I really hope I don't FA Theology. i don't think he cares..... i hope....) Getting Xrays done, getting the kappa pi arts fraternity induction done, getting the art show done.... and i have to miss the art show that my work is *actually* in on Tues, rgh.
I feel like my life is a joke right now.
Other than that, the weather up here in NYC is finally Gaw-jyas.... took long enough; it's been jacket weather until the end of April?!! Really! How brash! The weather's got some nerve....
Can't wait til Sr. Week so i can actually go out for a run in Central Park, get out, and enjoy the weather...
....when I'm not working, that is.
- Music:No One's Gonna Take Me Alive!
is it bad that i kind of want to be left alone for like forever right now?
- Music:thrice, and assorted emo..how typical, i know.
how about im such an otaku because the best part of my day (so far) was having two japanese-american guests in the gallery? *sigh*
JET interview went well, I think..I tend to get carried away and speak really quickly when I'm nervous, which I think I did... I definitely could have been a little more succint...
i'm really proud of my little Japanese speaking ability! (so think how proud i could be if i was like, you know, fluent? *sigh* maybe one day.)
life is confusing right now, but at least i know as long as i can overhear conversations in japanese occasionally, things will be ok.
hmm, did i really just say that?
im such a dweeb.
- Music:tv on the radio-crying